Here I am, sick again. I was sick in February. Now April . . . relegated to the couch, bored out of my mind. Starting to get angry. What am I angry about? The paper I want to start, or Aunt Christy?
Between then and now, I've read all of Kathy Reich's books, and 3/4ths of Patricia Cornwell's. And decided that I want a parrot. I've been to St. George's Island and biked in a sandstorm. I watched Ed cross the Louisville Marathon's finish line in 3:35. Rick and I have semi-heard about appointments and have ordered robes. I now own Jill, the amazing GPS. Rick and I spent a glorious, expensive! day at Keeneland. I am now on Facebook and reconnecting with people from my past.
I am afraid of the future. How do I run a church? How do I deal with death?
Somedays I feel like cryin' . . . doesn't matter if it's rain or shine . . . feels like my heart is breakin' . . . at least a million times . . .
Between then and now - I've experienced heartbreak. True love. Wedding planning. Marriage. Future plans in a new place.
Just keep focusing on the happiness ahead.
But if I do that, will I never "deal" with death? How long can I push it away? It's been around every corner I turn these past few months. Aunt Marian, Clara, and Dotie have all passed on. Aunt Marion and Aunt Christy will, soon. I wrote my case study on death. And the the books I've chosen to read? I had nightmares for awhile. And then on the other hand, it's like I'm trying to surround myself with life. A baby lovebird (when I know that I can't guarantee that we won't kill it, with our non-stick cookware and candles)? Plans for kittens and puppies? Daydreams of lovely summer afternoons spent with toes in the sand, hearing the surf and wind?
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